Uncategorized

Regrets and Anger

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Not mine. No infringement intended

This has been me over the last three weeks. I cry where no one can hear or see me. I wipe my tears and put myself back together. I keep going. No one hugs me or rubs my back or says meaningless platitudes because honestly, I don’t let them. As a child, I became a master of hiding my feelings. It’s not a talent I’ve lost as an adult. This week, though, I’ve cracked a lot more. The facade has broken a lot more, and it keeps happening at work during my conference period. In other words, at the worst damned time.

I have fear of missing out at work. I always have. Consequently, I work as hard as I can. I want to do better, be better. I want to learn new things, try new techniques. I expect so much of myself as a teacher, but after last week, I feel so inadequate as a teacher.

I have the wrong master’s degree. Two years ago, I earned a Master of Educational Leadership. I thought I wanted to go into administration.

I was wrong. I don’t. I belong in a classroom. I know that with every fiber of my being. I didn’t even bother to take the principal certification exam even though I made an A on the pretest my university requires of all principal test candidates. I knew by then I didn’t want to be a principal. By then, cancer had come calling and had shown me, very quickly, what I’m really meant to do.

It’s increasingly becoming the expectation that you have a master’s degree in your subject or a master’s in something with 18 hours in your subject. I need five more English classes to have 18 hours of graduate English. Five classes.

I can’t afford them right now. And, I feel an urgency to get them, to do it right now, but I can’t. We can’t afford it, and A is vehemently against me taking out any loans because we have to think about our finances.

He’s not wrong, but it’s a bitter, bitter pill I’ve been trying to swallow since Thursday night. See, Thursday I found out I’ve been accepted to an accelerated Master of English program. I can’t accept the offer. I can’t afford it.

It’s a bitter, bitter pill. I’ll apply to a few other programs that are a little cheaper, but even then…it’s doubtful.

I feel like so many opportunities are going to pass me by because I worked my tail off on the wrong master’s degree, a degree I was proud of, but now? I regret it and am so angry I made another wrong decision in my life. What a waste.

I’m going to be 40 this week. 40. At least I lived to see it, but damn, is it really all downhill from here? It feels like it, especially now. I have a mountain of debt from cancer. I have a mountain of credit debt again (see cancer debt). I have so many regrets. I’ll never be rich. I don’t want to be, but I wish things were easier. I wish they were different. I wish I were different. I wish I weren’t sad and angry, but I am.

40 years have almost passed for me. I’m angry and full of regret, so really, I guess it’s no different than any other birthday for me.

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breast cancer, kids, life, Uncategorized

Surgery and Self Esteem

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My self esteem took a nosedive on Friday for no other reason than I looked in a mirror as I changed clothes.

Scars everywhere on my torso. Port. Mastectomy. DIEP reconstruction. Oophorectomy. 7 scars. Seven vivid reminders of cancer.

Sometimes, it’s just too much, and Friday, the second anniversary of my mastectomy, the second anniversary of finding cancer in the sentinel nodes, the second anniversary of finding ER+ cancer in the breast tissue, the scars overwhelmed.

My life has changed so much over the last two years. Sometimes it catches up to me.

Friday was one of those days.