breast cancer, Uncategorized

Pain Fear

cancer face
Found on Pinterest. No infringement intended.

Today is the first day in five days I have not woken up with a headache. It’s been a dull headache, not often in the same place. Yesterday, it was my left temple. Day before, it was around the top of my head. Day before that, it was at the base of my head and top of my neck. I bet anyone can guess what my first thought was -brain mets. I’ve taken Excedrin Migraine on and off all week.

I woke up this morning without the headache. A’s been very sick most of this week. He has bronchitis, and the cough he has is ridiculous. It kept me up most of last Sunday night and Monday night. I slept upstairs on the air mattress on Wednesday and Thursday nights. I didn’t sleep well there either. That mattress is too hard. Last night, A insisted I sleep in our room. So, before I went to bed, because I still had that dull headache living in my temple, I took 2 Aleve…and, for the first time in a very long time, I took my anxiety medicine. It’s not something I take regularly. I have it for an as needed basis. I’m not going to lie, I’ve been fighting a low level panic attack for awhile. Two women I follow on Twitter and Facebook with Stage 4 breast cancer died this week, both young women. Neither with the kind of breast cancer I had nor diagnosed at the same stage or grade I had. Still, every breast cancer death I hear of hits me hard.

It reminds me I’m always one blood test, one scan away from another cancer diagnosis.

The headache I’ve had kept me in a low level of panic. What if it’s brain mets? That was my question every morning. And, yes, I Googled symptoms of brain mets. Nausea. Vomiting. Progressive headache. Weakness on one side. Loss of appetite. Vision disturbances. Distorted sense of taste or smell. Seizures. I don’t have any of those. The headache isn’t progressive. It’s been the same every day until today when I woke up with out it.

You know, before cancer, I would attribute a headache like this to Texas weather. Our weather in DFW this week has been stereotypical Texas weather. We’ve gone from a cold front with sleet to record setting highs to normal fall weather and back to summer weather. It’s so stupid. Before cancer, I would curse Texas weather messing with air pressure and all that. But, I had cancer, so every ache and pain gets side eyed. Is it a recurrence? Am I okay?

My head doesn’t ache today. It does feel full…a little pressure. But, it doesn’t hurt.

I’m still side eyeing it.

I fear normal aches and pains. I’m nearly 40. I know there are going to be aches and pains, but dammit, I had cancer. That makes everything suspicious, and I freaking HATE it.

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