breast cancer, family, kids, life, Uncategorized

15 years

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4:00 PM

May 18, 2002

I do.

15 years ago today, I married A…my high school sweetheart, my college sweetheart. My sweetheart, much to his chagrin (and others), sometimes. I fell in love with A when I was 18. I didn’t know what that kind of love was. I was a teenager. A high schooler.

I was stupid.

He loved me anyway.

We’ve been together for 21 years. There’s been drama (again, high schoolers are stupid sometimes, and we were no exception). There’s been graduations, jobs, miscarriages, births, cars, houses, surgeries.

There’s been cancer.

I’ve spent a good chunk of the last two weeks buried in a lying loop of depression. I’m going to die. The cancer will kill me. This is my fault. I deserved cancer. If I were a better person, this wouldn’t have happened. Maybe if I were thinner, healthier. A deserves better than me. I’m better now…I started breaking the loop last week, and for now, I’m ok. I’m staving off check up anxiety and scanxiety. I see my radiation oncologist next week for my six month check up with him. I see Dr. O on June 20th.

The scans, the appointments, the test. They never end. I lurch from one to another to another. That’s the life of a cancer patient. Cross your fingers. Hope your scan is clean. Hope your numbers are good. Hope you hear “See you in six months,” and it actually be true.

I’m waiting on the day when it isn’t true…if my body developed cancer once, it can do it again, no matter what I do.

I’ve had a lot of unwelcome and unwanted advice from people on social media lately. Have you tried juicing? You should juice. It’ll help your body be less acidic. Acid causes cancer. Did you know acid causes cancer? 

I’m so sick of the food police. Do you really think I don’t know some of this, or do you assume I don’t care? Here’s the deal-I know this stuff, but I like donuts, and if my cancer comes back because of donuts, well…hell, it was probably going to come back anyway.

Tonight, as A and I celebrate 15 years of marriage, I’m not going to worry about food…or cancer. Not tonight. Cancer steals so much of my life, and I allow it. So…not tonight, cancer. Not tonight.

The 15th wedding anniversary is traditionally gifted with crystal. I spent too much time yesterday wracking my brain for ideas with crystal that weren’t cut crystal photo frames or things for an office desk. At 2:30 yesterday afternoon, it hit me -geodes, A likes geodes and polished stones. So, off I went to our local metaphysical store (yes, seriously).

I bought him an uncut geode for him to crack, to see the treasure inside. I bought clear quartz for all purpose healing; amethyst, my birthstone, for stress relief, anxiety relief, and protection; rose quartz to soothe and encourage love and harmony; citrine for healing, prosperity, abundance, and protection; black tourmaline for protection; carnelian for inspiration and perseverance; adventurine for true love, lasting relationships, and luck. I bought a set of crystals for him and a set for me. I don’t know that I believe in the metaphysical association with crystals, but I like the symbolism. After all, it’s our crystal anniversary. We could do with some healing, stress relief, protection, harmony, prosperity, perseverance, and luck.

True love and lasting relationships, though…there, we’re good. I’ve never loved anyone but him. He’s my better half, the missing piece to my soul. He’s my best friend.

He’s my lobster.

When I met A, I knew he was a good kid, but the man he became? That man is phenomenal. I really don’t deserve him. He chose me, and not a day goes by where I’m not thankful for his choice. I’m difficult on my best day. He laughs it off and tells me he’s the man he is because of me, that I brought him out of his shell, encouraged him to see things differently, helped him find joy.

Whether that’s true or not, I don’t care. I care about our fifteen years, two kids who are our hearts living outside our bodies, jobs we like, a home we love, three cats who exasperate us, family and friends who support us.

There have been plenty of times where A could have walked, and no one would have blamed him, but that’s not who he is. He sees things through. He makes things better.

He makes me better.

I may not live to see the “big” anniversaries, the silver, the gold. That’s not okay. Yet, I have the crystal with him, and that? That’s one thing cancer can’t take.

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