I’m mad at myself tonight. It’s a great way to end Spring Break.
As I took a bath, my thoughts turned to last year -I’d just returned to work and started radiation. I did everything the doctors told me to do. I endured 28 sessions of radiation and dealt with skin so burned it’s STILL tanned and stiff…sometimes uncomfortable.
I’m still doing most of what the doctors tell me to do, but tonight, I’m mad at what I’m not doing. Not losing weight. Still drinking Dr. Pepper. Not exercising. Still sleeping badly. These are things I control, but I’ve convinced myself a couple of Dr. Peppers won’t hurt, it’s okay if I haven’t lost more weight since I lost 30 lbs after I was diagnosed, I walk a lot at work (which is a lie), being a night owl isn’t a bad thing. I think I’m being arrogant. The farther away finishing chemo and the mastectomy get, the more arrogant I become. Or, I am becoming more confident?
I don’t know which it is for me…arrogance by believing the cancer might really be gone, or confidence because I’m still alive. I know I was arrogant before my diagnosis. I truly believed I would never develop breast cancer because my family had no history of it, and I believed even if I did, I certainly wouldn’t develop it for a long time because I’m young.
That was arrogance. Fate, karma, God, whatever decided to put on the hat and remind me who’s really in charge -not me.
So, is it arrogance or confidence now? I want to believe the cancer is gone, and I’m going to be like two of my friends who are dozen-plus years survivors of breast cancer. At the same time, I know Fate, karma, God, whatever could go, “JK,” the cancer comes back, and kills me in a matter of months. Still, isn’t it arrogance to think the cancer is gone, that it won’t come back? Isn’t that the same as believing I’d never develop breast cancer in the first place?
I feel like I’m being arrogant. So, I’m mad at myself.
And, to be honest, I’m mad at Fate, karma, God, whatever because this happened to me. Oh, I may have made peace with the fact it happened, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be angry about it, too, from time to time.
I’m stuck in cancer purgatory because I feel as though it’s arrogant to think it’s not going to come back, yet, I’m mad at myself because I’ve allowed part of myself to start believing it won’t come back because I’ve done all the things.
Plenty of people do everything the doctors say and more, but it comes back, meaner, nastier, harder. Plenty of people are humble and gracious as they deal with cancer and the aftermath. Then, there’s me, neither humble nor gracious.
Isn’t that arrogance, then? Shouldn’t smiting follow?
Purgatory…cancer purgatory. It’s not a pretty place, and neither is my head nor my heart tonight.