breast cancer, life, Uncategorized

Today is not a good day

thursday_some
Found via someecards. No infringement intended

When I get overly tired, I have a hard time keeping a lid on my emotions.

I’m overly tired today.

I haven’t slept well in awhile. It’s my ankles and feet. They just ache. I’m coping with it, but it’s starting to take its toll. I toss and turn and stretch my legs for at least an hour after I go to bed. I have a bedtime ritual I’ve followed for as long as I can remember. I go to bed. I turn on some music. I read for an hour. I go to sleep. Now, it’s I go to bed. I turn on Pandora to the filmscore channel I created. I read for an hour, surf Twitter for an hour, or Pin for an hour. I turn everything off. I toss. I turn. I stretch my feet. I stretch my legs. I toss. I turn. Eventually, I fall asleep. Then, I do it all over again the next night. Nothing, so far, seems to really help for long.

It’s a side effect. As long as I’m alive, I suppose I’ll struggle with it. I cope with it as best I can, but today…I’m overly tired. I’m emotional. My ankles hurt right now, a deep ache.

I see Dr. O again in a little over a week. It’s my first time seeing her since I finished Herceptin treatment. It’s my 20 week check up. I’m not looking forward to it. I’m scared…worried, really. I’ve done so much over the last month I’m not supposed to do. I’ve gained some weight. I’ve eaten a ton of sugary things. I’ve drank a lot more soda. I feel like I’m doing everything wrong, and so, if there’s something abnormal at my appointment, it’s my fault. I’m stressed. I’m not sleeping well. I’m not eating well. I’m not drinking well.

If the cancer comes back, it’s my fault. That’s my truth today, and it hurts. It should hurt. I know better. Yet, here I am.

When I was in my teens and twenties, I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Now, I’m waiting for the cancer to return. It’s a horrible way to feel, to feel it’s your fault you developed cancer in the first place, and to know if it comes back, it might be your fault.

This is where I am today.

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