When you post a status, Facebook’s text says, “What’s on your mind?” So, here’s what’s on my mind-I don’t like myself a whole lot right now, and I don’t like a lot of things right now.
I woke up on New Year’s Day and was hit on social media by all the posts of plans for repealing the ACA and Trump’s ridiculous New Year’s Day Tweet. I slept terribly, and sadly, that’s true for me for pretty much my entire winter vacation.
See, here’s my problem-I don’t feel hopeful about 2017, not when politically, the party of life is ripping away healthcare from upwards of 20 million people, when my own health insurance protections are now at risk. I’m powerless, just like I was when I found out I had breast cancer, like I’ll be if the cancer comes back. I’m powerless. I don’t want to be powerless, but I am. I can’t stop any of this political mess. I can’t stop my cancer from coming back if it decides to come back. I. Can’t. I can’t get my voice to matter.
And, in the TMI department, I’m not happy with my reconstruction anymore. Everything has settled into place. One foob (fake boob made from a flap for those who can’t figure out the portmanteau) is a full cup size bigger than the other. It also dropped down more than the other. So, it’s pretty lopsided, and I don’t like it. I know I need to talk to my plastic surgeon about it, and, I will at my appointment tomorrow after two rescheduled appointments with him. I don’t like the fat necrosis that’s visible on the foob that’s larger. I don’t like any of it right now.
I hate this. I hate all of this. I wish I’d come out of this cancer crap a better person, a happier, stronger, more gracious and more content person, but I didn’t. Just one more failing of mine, I guess.
So, what’s on my mind? I’m powerless. I’m insignificant. I hate cancer and what it’s done to me. That’s what’s on my mind.