breast cancer, family, kids, life, Uncategorized

To sleep, perchance to dream…

I’m struggling with insomnia again. It’s maddening. I sleep well for a few nights, but the insomnia returns. It’s hit me hard over the last few nights. My Fitbit tells me that for the previous three nights, I’ve woken up at least twice a night and been restless between 8-15 times.

I stopped taking the sleep aid. It wasn’t helping me stay asleep, which is my problem, too. If I can fall asleep, I don’t stay asleep. It’s maddening. The last time I told this to Dr. O she increased my dosage on the sleep aid. I took the increased dosage once and swore never again the next day. I didn’t sleep well, had crazy dreams, and woke up groggy. No thanks.

Speaking of Dr. O, I see her again in January, at the end of January to be precise (literally…I see her on the 31st of January). It’ll be my first 20 week check up with her. I’m pretty ambivalent about it right now. I know I’m not doing what I’m supposed to do…lose more weight, cut out sweets and soda, exercise more, rest. And, I feel guilty about it, but at the same time, I’m doing what I can. It’s just not enough to my mind. I have cut down on sweets. I might drink a Dr. Pepper a day. I do try to walk more. Today’s just been one of those days…we have an overrun of sweets (because I’ve baked…a lot), and I’ve grabbed Dr. Peppers when I should have grabbed water or unsweetened tea. I feel guilty. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Today, I still understand death can and does strike at anytime, anywhere, anyone. 2016 struck again today. This year has been relentless in its surprises. I thought 2015 was bad, but then came 2016.

I have a few days left on my vacation. I’m going to try to rest, relax…enjoy.

Be grateful.

And, maybe, sleep.

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