The last few days, this quote by Charlotte Eriksson has been what I try to do. It’s been hard. I’m just creeping along, limping along, a car about to blow a gasket or throw a rod.
I’m exhausted at the end of each school day. It’s been a little over a month since my surgery. Back in February, when I was originally scheduled to have this surgery, Dr. L told me most people need 6-8 weeks to recover from it. Maybe I have pushed myself too much, too hard, expected too much, too soon, yet I can’t stop. I need to do what I have to do, even when I think I can’t do anymore. My kids and family need me. My students need me. There’s no real excuse for me not to be able to do what I have to do. I don’t want to be weak, a drama queen.
But, I’m so damned tired.
I need to stop staying up late, yet I stay up late so I can relax. I read. I Pinterest. I blog. I Facebook. I Twitter. I try to keep my mind on other things so my brain doesn’t do its scumbag routine as it’s done so much over the last week.
The hardest of the cancerversaries are over. There are still a few left…the day I met Dr. H. The day I met Dr. O. The day I started chemo. Those pale in comparison to the others, though. The hardest ones are in August. Facing those days, those anniversaries, was grueling. I tried not to let them get to me, but they did.
Maybe that’s why I’m creeping along right now. I’m trying to recover, to put parts of myself back together, to recover from the physical and emotional toll the last year took on me while hoping I’m nearing an end of this part of the roller coaster. Two and a half more weeks until, what I hope is, my last Herceptin, until I see Dr. I again, and maybe get to hear four words: no evidence of disease. But, until then, I’m just slowly creeping along, doing my best to do more than exist, to live, to savor each day, or at least savor something about each day.