I went back to work today. I’m 15 days post op.
I got up at 6:15, took my time getting dressed…I changed clothes three times trying to find something to wear that looked nice, was comfortable, and wouldn’t bother my incision site.
I kissed my babies goodbye as they slept, thanked my in laws for keeping the kids for me, got in my car, and drove to work.
It was a long day, and as I sit here at 8:45 pm, I know the day won. I am exhausted. My incision aches. Two of my drain sites keep leaking even though the drains were removed yesterday. Tonight, I feel drained, physically and emotionally. A is working late tonight. S had dance for three hours this evening. The kids and I did not get home until 8:30 tonight.
It’s been a long, long day.
I didn’t feel steady today. I didn’t have the usual pre-school year rush. I was withdrawn today. I needed alone time to recharge. I needed to think, to speculate, to examine. I love my job. I love where I work. I love being a teacher. I have amazing coworkers. My career, my calling, is not why I can’t find my steady.
It’s because I’m less than three weeks from a surgery that has a 6-8 week recovery time.
It’s because the first helliversary (I like this new word) of my diagnosis is approaching.
It’s because I feel my mortality more right now.
It’s because the last twelve months have been nothing but a physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual beating.
I need to find my steady again. I haven’t had it for weeks. I feel like I’ve hit a wall, but I haven’t bounced back from it yet. It’s taking me longer to bounce back at a time when I need to bounce back quickly. Lately, I need more from A and the kids to help me find my steady. I need hugs from them, help from them, I just need them. I need A to listen with intent. I need his steadiness to stabilize mine.
I’m needy. I hate being needy. I need time. I need quiet support. I need rest. I need. I just need.
I need to find my steady.
But, I’m not sure where to look.