Yesterday was a hard day. I didn’t sleep well. I fell asleep the night before after writing my prior post and felt like I’d ripped a bandage off a huge part of my heart and left a raw place. I woke crying. I know how that sounds, dramatic and weak, and maybe it is dramatic and weak, but it is what it is.
A isn’t one to let me sit and be upset without talking to him, especially if it’s obvious something is weighing me down. So, he sat down beside me on our bed and said, “Let me guess. Your dreams were full of cancer and death and sadness and all around misery, right?” I nodded, and A sort of let me have it.
“This has been a hard twelve months. No doubt about it. But, look at what we’ve done. We managed to keep things together, keep the kids’ lives as normal as possible, started new jobs, and we’ve dealt with cancer. I know the anniversary of this hell is coming up, and normally I wouldn’t say this, but I say we celebrate it because you’re still here. We’re still here. I know you’re going to say it’s tempting Fate, but the fact we made it through the last year as well as we have is something worth celebrating.”
I don’t know if he’s right, but I get where he’s coming from with this. I told him my biggest fear is being a failure and ruining everyone’s lives, particularly S and AJ, if I die from this.
“Not going to happen. They have too many people who love them to let it ruin their lives. It’ll be the hardest thing we’ll deal with, but I won’t let them fall. I promise you that. I won’t tell you not to worry about, but I’m telling you, I’ve never broken a promise to you.”
And, it really is that simple. He’s never broken a promise to me. We’ve been together over twenty years. He’s been my rock for over half my life. He’ll be S and AJ’s rock, too. He already is. He’s right. No matter what happens to me, the kids have so many people who love them, they won’t fall through the cracks. They’re going to be okay. It’s me that’s tearing herself apart over what might be and what could happen.
I need to regroup. “You get one day to feel the way you feel,” A told me yesterday. So, today, I’m regrouping.
I slept a little better. I haven’t needed pain pills in two days. I’m only uncomfortable from the drains because they’re in my way.
I sat the kids down early this afternoon and asked them what they wanted to do today, within reason, and I’d try to make it happen as long as they understood I might not be able to do what they want or I might get tired. I told them they had to absolutely respect my limits. They agreed…then, they asked to go swimming. I just sighed at them. I knew it was going to be what they wanted to do. And, I agreed. Physically, I feel fine today. Emotionally, I needed a day of semi-normalcy with them. So, I took them. They found a chaise lounge in the shade for me to camp out, and they swam for a few hours. I sat and watched, happy to be there. I did nothing more than sit and watch, but it was enough. AJ came and sat with me at one point and told me, “From the bottom of my heart, thank you, Mommy. This has been an awesome day.” Then, he clinked his water bottle of mine and said, “Cheers!” I laughed. AJ is my unexpectedly sweet child. He rarely holds still long enough for a hug. He’s got stuff to do. So, when I get one of his rare moment of stillness, it’s something to savor.
Today seemed as if the kids knew how badly I needed a day with them. They’re my reason to regroup. A is my reason to regroup. I’m steadier today. S and AJ are a large part of why…a semi-ok night sleep is the other reason.
They need me to regroup, so I will.