It’s been a long, long time since I’ve been able to say I’ve had a pretty perfect day.
Today has been one, though.
The kids and I took a day off from packing and cleaning. I decided we needed a break at the local water park where we have season passes but haven’t used them much this summer. We found some seats under a large, shady tree near the wave pool, and once we settled our seats and sun screened, we played. Two hours went by before we knew it. Then, four hours went by. We would have stayed until closing, but S has summer dance tonight.
It was relaxing. It was stress free. It was fun. I didn’t think about cancer. I didn’t worry about an area of swelling that has me worried but A thinks is because I (stupidly) wore my purse cross body last Saturday and the strap weighed heavily exactly where the swelling is, and Dr. H isn’t concerned about right now. She said to call her next week it gets worse or still worries me. It’s significantly less swollen than it was on Saturday or Sunday. So, there’s that.
I had a meltdown yesterday in front of my in laws. They were over helping me pack and clean since I can’t lift boxes or reach too high. I haven’t had a meltdown like that in months. It was a slide down the wall and sob meltdown. It’s because I’m so scared and anxious as the summer goes by and as things go well. It feels like history repeating, and it scares me so much. I told my mother in law I feel how I felt last year. I told her I was scared of the swelling. She reminded me she felt it on Saturday and said it feels nothing like how it felt Saturday. She told me she doesn’t believe the cancer is back and that it’s hot. Swelling during the heat is normal. I said everything last year was going perfectly, and this year, everything seems to be going perfectly. I reminded them that this exact week, last year was going so well. I was offered my dream job. A knew he was going to be promoted. Then, cancer happened, and I felt like I’d been given a death sentence.
I remember the Saturday after I was diagnosed, we were about to leave to go to a family birthday party, and I had a slide down the wall and sob meltdown right as we walked out the door. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t face my family. I felt like I was a failure. I didn’t think I could handle the sympathy and the questions. My parents came and took S and AJ while A and I stayed home. I remember sitting on the couch with him and sobbing on his shoulder. I remember asking him what I’d done. I remember asking him why God hated me. I remember begging him not to leave me because cancer destroys so many marriages. I remember him telling me he vowed in sickness and in health and for better or for worse. I remember him telling me we were going to face this together. I remember him telling me I could cry, scream, throw things. I remember him telling me he would be there every step of the way.
It’s been nearly a year since my world turned upside down, inside out, and made me face mortality and reorder my priorities. My father in law told me he believes this year will be different. He told me he can’t believe how A and I have handled this year without losing it more than we have. He told me not to focus on this week last year but to focus on this week this year. I did that today. So, I may have lost the peace I had a few weeks ago and may be struggling right now, but today was pretty perfect.
I played with my kids, I made memories with them, I laughed with them, and I sat under the shade of a tree with wind blowing around me and felt a little peace.