One year ago this week, A and I began journeys which changed our professional and personal lives. This week, one year ago today, I was at the Dallas AVID Summer Institute and A began a five step interview process for his current position. By the end of this week, both of us changed our professional lives, impacting our personal ones.
The changes seemed huge at the time…big scary steps. But, they felt right. No rhyme or reason to them except what our guts were telling us to do. So, we talked to each other and followed our hearts.
Then, the bottom fell out. The lump in my left breast I’d been uneasy about for months turned out to be cancer. And, our lives changed again. Huge. Scary.
Now, almost a year later, as the anniversary of that fateful phone call creeps closer, I find myself anxious. Scared. I’m jumpy. I cry without a moment’s notice. Every new pain or swelling, I fear it is the cancer come back to end my life. It’s hard. It’s been a hard few days around here…hard and busy.
AJ turned 8 on Saturday. He planned his whole party. We do family birthday parties. He wanted a Skylanders theme. He went with me and selected the cake, the filling, the frosting. He picked out the party food and helped with it. He’s growing up so fast. I want to be around for him as he grows up, and I fear I won’t.
God, I hate cancer.
Just as we made major changes in our lives this time last year, A and I are contemplating another major change this year-selling our house and moving. There are many compelling reasons to sell. I’m once bitten, twice shy, though. This time last year, everything seemed to be working out amazingly well for us. Then…cancer. What if history repeats itself? That’s my fear.
But…we found our dream house this weekend. As we stood in the backyard, I told A that house, that yard, that’s where I want to spend whatever time I have left on this mortal coil. I told him I could die there and not regret it at all. He got really, really mad at me for saying all that, but it’s the truth.
Despite my fears, we’re going to start the ball rolling and hope this works out for the best. Our lives have been a roller coaster for nearly a year now. What’s one more hill to climb and gut dropping descent? I can’t allow myself to be ruled by fear of cancer even though I’m terrified about it right now. I can’t allow the past to dictate my future even if I’m barely willing to see a future for myself.
I can see a future in that house, though. If the worst were to happen, the cancer come back and take me, I know A and our kids would be happy there. I can be happy knowing they’re happy. I just have to be willing to move forward despite my fears, despite cancer.