breast cancer, life, Uncategorized

Disturbing the Peace

Last night, I dreamed I was dying from cancer. I was in hospice care. I was not old.

I can’t control my mind when I sleep, and I cannot blame sleeping aids for the sheer number of crazy dreams I had last night all centered around dying of cancer.

I woke up tense and tired this morning.

I woke up wanting to go back to bed with the covers over my head.

Don’t get me wrong, I understand my lot in life. I do. I understand I have cancer. I’m still angry and sad I have breast cancer.  I rage, sometimes, at the fates that I, and others, are diagnosed with breast cancer in our thirties. But, I understand I cannot spend my life worrying it’s going to come back. It’s unproductive. It hurts me. It won’t change things.

If it’s my time, it’s my time.

But, my dreams don’t have to be filled with the horrors of my deepest fears.

I can’t control them.

I can’t stop them.

All I can do is wake up from them, like I did this morning.

I feel hollow.

At least I didn’t wake up in a panic attack. Those, thankfully, haven’t happened in months.

The goal is to get through this day so I can go home and sleep.

Hopefully, tonight, my dreams are peaceful.

That would be nice.

 

 

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “Disturbing the Peace”

  1. I hate waking up after bad dreams like that. I hope your day is surprisingly peaceful and that you can rest easier tonight. Take care and thanks for posting. Living with the fear of recurrence is tough. But you’re right, it does no good to dwell on it. I just posted recently about the mind game of breast cancer. http://wp.me/plvyq-Zs It is so hard to get my mind right sometimes. There have been times when I couldn’t stand to be with myself. My thoughts were just too filled with scary things. I am thankful for funny sitcoms, work, and other distractions during those times. Thanks again for posting. Amy

    Like

    1. Thank you for sharing. It’s good to hear from others who have been here, done this. It is a mind game, and it’s a terrible game. My brain enjoys being a scumbag sometimes, and it’s easy to allow the scumbag-ness to happen. That’s something I need to work on. Thank you.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I know! Sometimes it just washes over me and I find myself in the dregs before I even realize what has happened. It’s a continual challenge. God bless you!

        Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s