At some point around 2:00 pm on Friday afternoon, I settled back into my “I have no cares to give” attitude about my current status with breast cancer.
I really don’t know what triggered it other than I was sitting in the school library (my room was Antarctic, so we moved to the library) with a few of my sophomores (the rest had gone to a paid assembly) talking about the unit we’re starting (Night) and other random topics. As I settled into the discussion with my students, the feeling of having no cares to give about my breast cancer situation hit me.
It’s wrong to say I don’t care…I do care, but I just can’t handle my life revolving around it right now like it has for the last month and a half. I care about my life. I care about living…however long that might be. I’m tired of being Cancer Girl. I’m always Cancer Girl. I really want to tell Cancer Girl to go the f away.
I did that a little bit after I left work yesterday. I’ve avoided the color pink like a plague because the myth of pink makes breast cancer all better ticks me off to no end, but I’m going to a baby shower today for a dear friend who’s having a baby girl. The dress I bought for her shower makes me feel amazing and has hot pink throughout it, so I needed hot pink shoes. And, I needed to repaint my toe nails because they were blue, so I opted for a beautiful raspberry. What I forgot in all this is I like hot pink and raspberry. I look good in those colors, and dammit, I get to feel good sometimes, even if that means wearing pink.
I’m not wearing because I have breast cancer. I’m wearing it because it makes me feel good.