No radiation on Monday. My skin is just too irritated.
Me, too, skin…me, too.
I figure today is another 50/50 shot on radiation. Dr. D promised me I’d finish this week. I just don’t know if that means Thursday or Friday. Ironically, Monday, yesterday, was supposed to be my last day of radiation. Today was supposed to be a celebration day.
Oh well. Nothing’s going to plan. Shocker.
When I was younger, I once told my grandmother I felt like God was playing chess with my life and I kept getting checked. She told me it wasn’t true, and I should cast my cares on Him.
My relationship with God is best described as…Relationship Status: It’s complicated. It’s complicated on my end. I still feel like my life is nothing more than a chess piece, and God keeps checking.
I can’t accept this is God’s Will and something good will come of this. Cancer has put my family through hell for going on ten years. My maternal grandmother died of an exceedingly rare form of melanoma when my daughter was five weeks old. My mom fought colon cancer. My dad has skin cancers. I have breast cancer. There is no history of these cancers in my family. None. No one on my mom’s side had colon cancer before her. My dad’s skin cancers are basal cell carcinomas. No one on either side of my family has ever had breast cancer before me. There’s no genetic explanation. My genetic tests showed no abnormalities. The majority of my grandparents and great-grandparents lived in their 80s and 90s. One of my great-grandmothers lived into her 100s. I assumed those genes were in me.
Guess I’m wrong…
Are we cursed? It feels that way…and, the thought that this is God’s Will and I just can’t understand the Plan makes me angry. What good comes from the possibility my husband could be a widower and single father? What good comes from the possibility my children could be motherless? What good comes from my parents possibly having to bury their youngest child? Did I just tempt Fate by writing this? I feel that way. I feel like I’m caught in a cosmic scheme of tests.
Someone once told me when I feel this way, it’s God testing me, and if I’m not willing to say His will, not mine, be done, I fail His test just as the apostle who denied Him.
Really? Then, wouldn’t that make my life a chess game, like I felt as a child?
I just want to live. I don’t want this to be my end. I don’t want to be as angry as I am…or scared as I am…or sad as I am.
I miss my life before breast cancer when I freaked out over new spots on my skin or had back pain. I miss me. I miss my family before cancer.
I’m over cancer…But, it doesn’t seem to matter. I reach my breaking point, snap, put myself back together, and I go on…to my next breaking point. Cancer doesn’t seem to care it’s changed my life forever. Fate seems to laugh at me and spin the wheel for Its enjoyment. God…well, again, it’s complicated. I truly feel by writing this, by expressing my feelings, my fears, my doubts, I’ll lose friends and maybe these feelings, fears, and doubts will be used against me.
People tell me all the time they’re thinking about me or praying for me. I’m grateful. I truly am. And, I don’t want to lose those expression of support because I’ve written this. I’m angry. I’m scared. I’m frustrated.
I wish I didn’t feel cursed.