breast cancer, life, Uncategorized

Sometimes I feel cursed…

No radiation on Monday. My skin is just too irritated.

Me, too, skin…me, too.

I figure today is another 50/50 shot on radiation. Dr. D promised me I’d finish this week. I just don’t know if that means Thursday or Friday. Ironically, Monday, yesterday, was supposed to be my last day of radiation. Today was supposed to be a celebration day.

Oh well. Nothing’s going to plan. Shocker.

When I was younger, I once told my grandmother I felt like God was playing chess with my life and I kept getting checked. She told me it wasn’t true, and I should cast my cares on Him.

My relationship with God is best described as…Relationship Status: It’s complicated. It’s complicated on my end. I still feel like my life is nothing more than a chess piece, and God keeps checking.

I can’t accept this is God’s Will and something good will come of this. Cancer has put my family through hell for going on ten years. My maternal grandmother died of an exceedingly rare form of melanoma when my daughter was five weeks old. My mom fought colon cancer. My dad has skin cancers. I have breast cancer. There is no history of these cancers in my family. None. No one on my mom’s side had colon cancer before her. My dad’s skin cancers are basal cell carcinomas. No one on either side of my family has ever had breast cancer before me. There’s no genetic explanation. My genetic tests showed no abnormalities. The majority of my grandparents and great-grandparents lived in their 80s and 90s. One of my great-grandmothers lived into her 100s. I assumed those genes were in me.

Guess I’m wrong…

Are we cursed? It feels that way…and, the thought that this is God’s Will and I just can’t understand the Plan makes me angry. What good comes from the possibility my husband could be a widower and single father? What good comes from the possibility my children could be motherless? What good comes from my parents possibly having to bury their youngest child? Did I just tempt Fate by writing this? I feel that way. I feel like I’m caught in a cosmic scheme of tests.

Someone once told me when I feel this way, it’s God testing me, and if I’m not willing to say His will, not mine, be done, I fail His test just as the apostle who denied Him.

Really? Then, wouldn’t that make my life a chess game, like I felt as a child?

I just want to live. I don’t want this to be my end. I don’t want to be as angry as I am…or scared as I am…or sad as I am.

I miss my life before breast cancer when I freaked out over new spots on my skin or had back pain. I miss me. I miss my family before cancer.

I’m over cancer…But, it doesn’t seem to matter. I reach my breaking point, snap, put myself back together, and I go on…to my next breaking point. Cancer doesn’t seem to care it’s changed my life forever. Fate seems to laugh at me and spin the wheel for Its enjoyment. God…well, again, it’s complicated. I truly feel by writing this, by expressing my feelings, my fears, my doubts, I’ll lose friends and maybe these feelings, fears, and doubts will be used against me.

People tell me all the time they’re thinking about me or praying for me. I’m grateful. I truly am. And, I don’t want to lose those expression of support because I’ve written this. I’m angry. I’m scared. I’m frustrated.

I wish I didn’t feel cursed.

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1 thought on “Sometimes I feel cursed…”

  1. I’ve never been one to feel that God does things to us. It’s weird. I pray for godly intervention, but I’ve never once thought that God gave me cancer. For a reason. Or a purpose. My mom thinks that God does things to us and she is mad. She’s mad as hell! Her husband dropped dead and her daughter got cancer all in 7 months. This doesn’t cover all of the years we went through illnesses and deaths in my family with my grandparents. Why has God done this to her? I don’t think God did.

    What you are dealing with right now SUCKS! It might help to decide that this isn’t a plan. Be mad. You have every right to be furious! Scream it! Let it out! Your blog rocks! It’s a wonderful outlet, and will help others through their own journeys. Just think about not thinking that this a lesson, example, or punishment from God. It’s easier that way.

    You are weary. You are burned. You hurt. You’re working full time. You have small children. You’re scared. You’re exhausted. I know that the treatment delays are putting your finish line out, but do what your doctors tell you. You DO NOT want the burn to get infected.

    Just so you know, when I had my latest scans and surgery, I had a total meltdown. I mean, what the heck? Hadn’t I been through enough? Your feelings are so valid. I had them too (many times over the last few years). I cried for several weeks straight when I had to have additional procedures with my reconstruction and my finish line was extended too. Be mad. Just don’t be mad at God. God loves you!

    Hugs! (Hugs that wouldn’t hurt your burns)

    S

    Like

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