breast cancer, family, life, Uncategorized

Meltdown

I’ve had two pretty big meltdowns this week. It’s been a hard week. My radiation burns are worse. They’re so bad looking. I’m in a fair amount of pain most of the time from them. I told Dr. D when the pain medicine wears off, my pain level shoots to a seven or eight. On the pain medicine, I hover around a three or four.

It’s been a hard week.

I had a meltdown on Tuesday night…a lot of things happened Tuesday, and my burns hurt. So, I cried on A’s shoulder.

I had a meltdown Thursday night. My burns really hurt. So, I cried on A’s shoulder and raged some at fate.

I’m so tired. Sleeping isn’t easy thanks to the burns.

I’m weary.

I’ve been in constant treatment or surgery since September. When the pain is bad, like last night, I tell A this is too much. I don’t know how much more I can take. And, truthfully, I really don’t know how much more I can take. Physically, I’m burned, in pain, and disfigured, but I do what I have to do to make it through the day. Emotionally, I’m angry and tired and sad, and I do what I have to do to make it through the day.

I have so many scars and blisters and burns right now. I know they’ll get better, at some point, and begin to fade. Right now, though, they’re a screaming, red reminder of the fact I have breast cancer. At 38. A breast cancer requiring aggressive treatment. A breast cancer I have a 50/50 chance of surviving.

It’s hard. It’s brutal.

My scumbag brain, at 2 am when I wake up because the pain medicine has worn off, whispers my deepest fear-all of this aggressive treatment may not work. I may be dead within the next two years.

It’s brutal road to walk. The line between hope and terror is so slim and blurred.

I’m ready for radiation to end so my skin can work out the reactions and begin to heal. I need some time to heal. Treatment has been nonstop since September. I’ve been through so much. My body hasn’t had much of a break. I haven’t had much of a break. I desperately need a break to begin healing, if I can.

Until then, I keep trudging. I don’t know what else to do.

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