I haven’t felt good most of this last week. My radiation burn hurts, my knee hurts, I haven’t slept well in weeks. I had herceptin on Friday and an echo on Friday.
This weekend has been better. I’ve spent it with family from out of town whom I dearly love and wish I saw more often, and I spent another part of it watching many of my students put on their annual madrigal dinner.
I’ve been very up and down. The best parts of this last week have been spending time with my family and going to my students’ concert. But…When I don’t feel good, I just don’t feel good. I’ll lie and say I’m fine because I don’t want to be a downer to people innocently asking how I’m doing, but honestly, I’m not fine.
Two weeks ago, my husband decided we needed at new mattress better suited for his bad back and my slew of cancer related problems, so A and I went and bought a Serta iComfort with an adjustable base. It came yesterday, and last night was one of the best night of sleep I’ve had in awhile…until I turned over at 6:00 am and felt as though the skin in the crease under my left expander was being ripped off me. The bad radiation burn is there. The way I moved stretched that area. The pain was so bad, when I went to check it in the bathroom mirror (I honestly thought I was bleeding), I almost passed out.
I wish I were exaggerating. I don’t handle wounds well anyway. This is an open wound. It’s raw. It’s red. It’s angry. It hurts.
I keep it slathered in aloe and calendula and Aquaphor. I keep a large non-stick, extra thick wound pad on it held in place by an ace bandage. I can’t put tape, even bandage tape, near it. My radiated skin rips.
All of this, the cancer stuff, has me down. I’m in pain. I HATE all this. Right now, I feel pretty close to how I felt after chemo 3, and the parallels to it are eerie. I was fighting a cold and allergies then. I’m on the tail end of a cold now. I wasn’t sleeping well then. I haven’t been sleeping well lately. I was dealing with a horrible, painful skin side effect then. I’m dealing with a horrible, painful skin side effect now. I felt beaten down then. I feel beaten down now. I told A this was all too much then. I told A this is all too much today. I told A felt like I burden then. I told A I feel like a burden now. Back then, A told me I had to stop being my own worst enemy. Today, A told me I have to stop being my own worst enemy.
I worry too much. I do too much. I’m scared.
And, I wonder how I’m going to get through the next seven radiation treatments.