breast cancer, life, Uncategorized

Crash

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Meme created with memegenerator. No infringement intended.  

I made it through my first full week back at work and a full week of radiation. I even went out with some of my friends last night. I lasted until 8:30 pm last night. Then, I had to leave and come home where I crashed from exhaustion. I loved every minute of being with my friends. I loved every minute of being back at work. But, it’s been an exhausting week. Absolutely exhausting.

I slept until our cats woke me up after 9 am this morning, and I really haven’t done anything but lounge in bed. I’m still tired. My sinuses still aren’t playing nicely. My skin itches from radiation. I texted my mom earlier and told her I’m pretty pathetic today. She sent my dad to me with lunch since A took the kids out for the day.

My doctors tell me I’m overdoing. My family tells me I’m overdoing. My friends tell me I’m overdoing. The little voice in the back of my head tells me I’m overdoing. Yet…I keep going until I hit the wall. Like last night. As soon as I walked in the door, I crashed. I just crashed.

I know why I’m going full speed ahead. I want my life normal again. I want to appear like I’m healthy and cancer-free and can do everything I did before cancer, chemo, surgery, radiation. I don’t want to be Cancer Girl anymore. I know it’s stupid. I know I’m doing too much. I know I need to slow down a little. I know I need to rest more. I know I’m not completely recovered. I know I’m still undergoing cancer treatment. I know my stamina isn’t there. Yet, I still go full speed ahead, which seems like a recipe for disaster unless I stop and take some time for myself…like lounging in bed all day today.

Rest. Repair. Recover.

And, start all over on Monday.

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3 thoughts on “Crash”

  1. I did that same pattern of work all week and then sleep all weekend for the first year after my double mastectomies and reconstruction. I would feel so guilty too because my family wanted me back to my old self too. It wasn’t possible and I learned to feel less guilty for refueling all weekend for the week ahead.

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    1. Well…yes and no. I slept well Wednesday night because I hadn’t slept well Monday or Tuesday night. I didn’t sleep hardly at all Thursday night…I saw every hour but 3 am between 10 pm and 5 am. So, I crashed, again last night like I did Wednesday night.

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