breast cancer, life, Uncategorized

Little by little

My hair is slooooooowly growing back. I never lost all of it, but I lost a majority of it. After awhile, it looked so bad, I asked A to shave my head.

(Pictures below are from left to right: October 2015 (after 2nd chemo), November 2015 (after 3rd chemo), February 2016 (after surgery), and March 2016 (8 wks since chemo 6/6))

I’m glad it’s growing back. When it first started coming back in late January/early February, it looked really thin. The third picture is from February right after surgery. I had thin hair before I lost it, and in early February, it looked like it was coming back even thinner than before. I was really disheartened because as much as I hated my thin hair before chemo, I wanted to have hair again that wasn’t a wig. I like my wigs, don’t get me wrong. Yesterday, someone at the store asked me what conditioner I use on my hair because it was so soft and shiny. I laughed and told them it was whatever spray in conditioner the wig shop gave me for my wigs. She was a little dumbfounded my hair was/is a wig. It really does look fairly natural, I guess.

The fourth picture is from today, eight weeks from my last chemo treatment. It’s filled in quite a bit. I’m not going to say I’m happy with it, but I’m happier than I was a month ago. It looks darker. A lot darker than my golden, medium brown hair before chemo. It almost looks black. My dad has black hair, and when I was born, my hair was black, so it’s not out of the realm of possibility for my hair to be black or really dark brown. It’s just strange. My eyebrows, what I have left, are a darker brown. It’ll all work together…if it all comes back.

I lost more eyelashes yesterday. This time, it was from my top lash line of both eyes. The lashes came out as I took my makeup off. I told A it is what it is. He was wise enough not to say anything. Smart man.

I’m going to ask Dr. O about Latisse when I see her on Friday. I’m trying really hard not to let the lash thing bother me, but the fact is, it is bothering me. If I can do something to protect the lashes I have and get the ones I’ve lost back, safely, I’d like to do it. I know it’s vain, and in the great scheme of things, it shouldn’t matter. But, it does. My self esteem has recovered some since my self esteem meltdown after surgery. I’m not going to lie and say I feel awesome about myself, but I do feel better about myself. My hair coming back some has helped. My scars from surgery have healed, and while they aren’t what I wanted, they don’t look nearly as bad as they did a month ago. And, something for me to remember, these aren’t trying to kill me as my real ones were.

Perspective.

It may be vanity, but it’s not all vanity. It’s about me feeling like me…about having a small piece of who I was before the cancer crap happened. That’s important to me. I need to remember, I wasn’t always Cancer L, and right now, in the midst of endless doctors’ appointments and daily radiation treatments (today is treatment 5 of 28), I feel like Cancer L is all I am. That’s hard.

And, I have to get over it…right?

 

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