breast cancer, life, Uncategorized

Edgy

 

I’m on edge today. To be honest, I was on edge most of yesterday evening too. I feel like time is dragging. I want it to be Wednesday, yet I don’t want it to be Wednesday. I want the surgery over with, yet I don’t want the surgery done. I’m contrary and edgy. It’s nerves, I guess. Well, maybe nerves agitated with a touch of anger. I don’t want to need this surgery. I don’t want to have cancer. I don’t want the rest of my life to be a giant question mark, and I feel like it is right now. I’m just on edge. Too much time to think and brood. Not enough to do to take my mind off everything.

This weekend, I distracted myself with work as much as I could. It helped, but yesterday, I ran out of stuff to do, and A needed to go to his work so he could get a head start on the week knowing he’s going to be out Wednesday, Thursday, and maybe Friday. Being on my own gives me too much time to worry.

I was on edge all day at work today when I wasn’t busy teaching classes. My juniors started a new unit today over Into the Wild, and since that’s what they’re working on when I’m out, it helped me to be fully focused on it and them. My sophomores finished a unit over Things Fall Apart today. They had their first serious timed writing today. It helped to focus on encouraging them. Then, the day was over, and I felt at loose ends. I’ve done everything I can to prepare for my absence at work. Copies are done. Lesson plans are done. Binders are made.

I have nothing left to do for work except to grade the small mountain of papers sitting on my desk. I hate this feeling. I want to be useful, and I feel useless. I’ve over prepared for my classes, yet I feel so unprepared.

I couldn’t sleep last night…couldn’t turn my brain off…couldn’t get comfortable…couldn’t just stop. I’m restless. Edgy. I want this over and done with and behind me. I hate this roller coaster and want off, yet part of me fears this will never be over. And, that makes me even more fearful. Anxious. Nervous. Angry.

I’m just on edge, and it’s frustrating.

 

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