breast cancer, life, Uncategorized

Hollow

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I found the quote image on Pinterest. It needs to become my mantra.

I’m tired today. Last night was not a good night. I tried to go to bed early-ish. Friday night I’d told A I was annoyed and was going to go lay down for a few minutes. That was at 6:30 pm. I woke up at 6:00 am, Saturday morning. I was so confused. I woke up wearing my school spirit shirt, my jeans, and a pair of socks. For a minute, I thought it was Friday and I’d nodded off after getting dressed before waking up the kids for school. Fortunately for all of us, I realized it was Saturday and left everyone asleep.

So, Saturday night, I tried to go to bed early-ish, but I couldn’t settle. It’s my fault. I drank some coffee before bed because coffee finally tastes right again. I tried reading for awhile. I’m rereading the In Death series again and am on Reunion in Death. Usually, reading settles me, but it didn’t. So, I decided to spend some time on Pinterest. And, that was the worst idea I’ve had in weeks.

One of my suggested pins was a link to a blog post about everything you need to know before and after having a mastectomy. The blog post wasn’t bad. It was informative and had some items I hadn’t really thought about yet. It was my curiosity that was the worst. I wanted to see how the blogger was doing now since the post was from several years ago. And, turns out, her cancer came back four years after treatment and surgery. It’s everywhere now…brain, bones, spine, liver. And, some of the mets are HER2 positive and others aren’t.

I turned my iPad off and mentally cursed myself for my curiosity. I tried to sleep, and I drifted off. And, I woke up sobbing from a horrible nightmare. My husband sat with me for awhile as I cried. I told him about what I’d read and my nightmare. A did what he does. He comforted me and rubbed my back until I fell asleep.

I woke up this morning groggy. I feel hollow inside to an extent. After being annoyed on Friday, angry yesterday, upset last night, I’m just hollow now.

 

 

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4 thoughts on “Hollow”

  1. Don’t censor yourself. In order to deal with raw emotion, alas, sometimes you have to simply feel it and express it. Even when that raw emotion is hollow, or empty, or ambivalent, or anything else that actually seems to imply the absence of emotion. Trust that if you don’t express the emotions in healthy ways, they will still come out, but in the worst and most painful ways humanly imaginable. Keep writing, my friend. Keep feeling. Keep surviving.

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  2. It is so hard not to read about others. You deserve the feelings you are having. It seems that writing is so therapeutic for you. Great way to share your journey. It will be a great testimony to others when they kick cancer’s ass like you are!

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